glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
