I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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