good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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