We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize