I seem to have left my pride at pride
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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