Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
