Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You pole danced in your parka.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
