We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
