my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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