I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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