I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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