i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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