he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
