Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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