My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
