can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
