Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize