So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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