I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
