i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
