I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
