I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
