Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
