He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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