Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
