Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
