Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
