Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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