Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
