mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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