Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
