I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
