worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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