seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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