I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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