Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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