so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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