you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she told me i tasted like america
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
