my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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