Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
