Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
