I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
