remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
