Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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