i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Sext me about skeletons
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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