how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
