i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
