I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
