I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
...so i touched it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
