best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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