I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
