I look better un-naked...
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
