haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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