I think i sorta joined a cult last night
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
