I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
