you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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