Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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