I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
